by Go Ducks!
Thor opens the oven to reveal one single tiny tart.
“Hmm, now that’s one tasty-looking tart. I don’t know if Miss Paula Dean can beat my signature recipe. But I guess she’ll sure try.”
The studio audience claps.
“You bet your ass I will.” Paula says as she struts onto the set.
Thor welcomes her with a big hug.
“You know here in Portland I’m known as The God of Tarts,” Thor beams as he flexes his muscles to the camera.
“I know you are, Sugah, but that’s why I’m here today to challenge you to a tart-off.”
Thor grabs his apron from the corner. Various weapons hang from the pockets including his signature sledgehammer he uses at the end of every show. He takes it out and raises it up into the air and says, “I accept your challenge Paula Dean to a tart-off. I believe I will obliterate your tart by the end of this episode.” He yells for effect.
Paula retaliates by taking out a pound of butter from her apron pocket and says, “I will butter your ass.”
The audience laughs as the two set up their baking stations.
“You know the rules, Paula. We have thirty minutes to make one berry tart and then the audience will decide the winner.”
Just then Paula sneaks up on him from behind and starts rubbing his arm muscles.
“Honey, you may have muscles that look like mounds of butter but I’ll have you meltin’ by the time I’m done with you,” Paula assures him.
Thor awkwardly laughs. Paula moves to her workstation as they both begin to melt butter on the stove. She seductively looks at Thor and raises her eyebrows while stirring.
“Don’t you try and flirt your way into winning,” Thor proclaims.
Cut to twenty minutes later and Paula and Thor are making out against the stove. There are ingredients all over the counter and a cloud of flour engulfs them as they continue to make out, completely forgetting about the studio audience. A few snickers of laughter can be heard from the camera crew.
“Take me Thor! Conquer me!” Paula screams.
Thor, with one masculine swoop, launches her onto the stovetop.
“My thighs are burning!” she yells.
Thor, thinking this is a compliment, continues.
“No literally! My thighs are on fire! I’m burning!”
They look down and realize the hot oven is not only burning the tarts but Paula as well. The smoke begins to take over the room and triggers the fire alarm. The automatic sprinklers go off just as Paula runs to the public bathroom down the hall. The camera follows her just in time to see her turn on the sink and plop her rear into the soothing water.
Thor runs in holding his sledgehammer, prepared to save her.
“Grab the butter, darlin’! The butter!” she yells.
Thor runs back to grab a stick of butter from the fridge. He returns. She grabs it and frantically rubs into her burns as if it’s medicinal.
“Ahhh.” A relieved Paula sits in the sink when she realizes she’s still on camera.
“Well, excuse me, ya’ll.” She fixes her hair and smiles into the camera. “I guess I’m not gonna win this challenge. Let that be a lesson to ya’ll. Apparently there’s no hanky panky in the Rose City.” She winks.
© 2011 Carly Petrone and Amber Nicholson