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Subaru Stalker

Subaru Stalker

by Erica Somes

“Kat, seriously, calm down, you’re overreacting, no one is trying to get you.”

“Molly, I’m not overreacting, I’m hiding in a windowless, public restroom at Wellington park and I’m afraid to open the door because he might be out there.”

“You should be more afraid of what you might catch if you touch the walls. I watched this 20/20 episode where they swabbed down public places like buses and hand railings and there was flesh eating bacteria, e.coli, staph, flu, cold viruses— You have imprisoned yourself in a suicidal safe-house.”

“Focus here Miss Hygiene. I will bathe myself in bleach as soon as I get home, but right now I’m concerned about my Subaru Stalker.”

“Right, right, station wagon Subarus are the new creeper vans, let me put my blue tooth in, I’m driving home, what happened exactly?”

“I was taking the bus home from downtown, got off and noticed this Subaru that kept appearing behind me, on the side roads, parked ahead of me.”

“A Subaru stalker? There are no Subaru driving stalkers in the Rose City. Maybe he was trying to catch you to pledge money for Chicken Raising Transvestites for Social Change, this is Portland after all.”

“Molly, why did I even call you? I should have called Steph, she appreciates panic.”

“Kat, what would you have me do? Sound the alarm on Twitter that you are stuck in the bathroom of Wellington Park because you’re being stalked by some potential transvestite driving a soccer mom Subaru looking for a place to drop off her carpool kids? Will that even fit into 140 spaces for a Tweet? Hold on let me check…”

         Kat stuck in public restroom at Wellington Park. She’s being stalked by a Subaru driving       transvestite. Rescue & disinfection requested ASAP.

“It does in fact fit in exactly 140 spaces! I’m tweeting that right now for you, maybe someone will come to your rescue. Maybe the firemen will come. You still have that thing for firemen don’t you? This is brilliant! You should have done this ages ago.”

“Molly, I didn’t ask you to tweet anything. I never said it was a transvestite! I don’t need a date this bad and seriously, I can’t see outside, what if I open the door and he’s waiting for me and jumps me the second I walk out?”

“That would be tragic if there indeed is someone waiting in the park to attack you when you exit the restroom. Why did you even stop in the park? Why didn’t you just go home? You’re playing the stupid woman in the horror movie right now, who walks downstairs in her nightgown, crying/hyperventilating looking for the origination of the scary sound.”

“Ahhhh… The park is in between the bus stop and my house. I got freaked out, it seemed like a good idea at the time!”

“Yes, a good idea until I’m visiting you in the hospital and flesh eating bacteria has eaten your arm off. Ok, look in your bag and tell me what you have… time to channel our inner MacGyver.”

“Um, I have my laptop, charger, water bottle, gum, keys, change, lip gloss, half a granola bar, hair bands…”

“Kat, I meant tell me what you have in your purse that could be used as a defensive weapon… unless you think you could shove your half eaten granola bar into the mouth of your stalker who would stop his attack on you to chew and swallow…”


“Ok, ok, this is what you’re going to do. You are going to fly out of the bathroom with the charger of your laptop swinging in the air like you are mighty Thor.”

“Like Thor, what are you talking about?”

“Yes, Thor, the hammer wielding Germanic god? Ever heard of him? Sometimes you really do seem the very definition of home schooled innocence. Imagine you are a rodeo roper then, your laptop charger is a lasso with a whole lotta attitude being swung in the sky, just waiting to land on your predator.”

“Okay. I’m ready.”

“Okay. Open the door!”

“I AM ARMED AND NOT AFRAID TO USE THIS POWER CORD… Molly what are you doing here?”

“Answering your tweet dear Kat and recording it all on my phone… ha!”

© Erica Somes


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